i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
