You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
