my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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