Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
