Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
