he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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