You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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