Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
