Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
