Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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