I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
