We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
