you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
