ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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