dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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