Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
