I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
