I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
