If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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