Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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