"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
