Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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