Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
