the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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