Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
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