I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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