i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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