If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
