I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
