my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
