Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
