And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
