Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
