He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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