I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Randomize
