remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
