Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
