So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
