did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Randomize
