Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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