i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
