well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
