Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Non-Jews are for practice
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
