I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
