the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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