I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
