last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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