I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Another day, another engagement, another cat
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
