Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
3pm strippers are depressing
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
