I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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